How we are doing

We haven't written much since our trip to America mostly because we aren't sure what to write.  We came back to our lives in Ukraine after a 2 week break during which we saw family and a few friends and were very distracted by a wedding and the hoopla of travel.  Coming back was like culture shock except it wasn't culture it was the reality of everything that has happened this year.  In America we felt far away from it all and since most people didn't  ask (or know how to ask) about how we were dealing with the loss and grief we didn't talk about it much.  Now that we are home we are right back in it.  Everything came rushing back and we realized that we never really got to sit down with our family and talk with them about the deeper things.  It wasn't anyone's fault, it either wasn't the time, the place, or else we were tired or they were tired.   We didn't even realize how much we wanted to talk until we were back home.  There is so much we don't realize that we need or want until later.   Now having processed we feel like talking about Milo somehow validates the life, which in turn helps the healing process.

We have been sharing everything about how we are dealing with the process of an anencephaly diagnosis and then miscarriage on our blog and I feel like it has helped us to connect to people and for people to connect to us during this time.  So I'm continuing to write as it helps to process my thoughts as well as in some way connect with people and let them into our lives. 

It is weird to come back to a place and see everyone's lives moving on at the usual hurried rate and realize that we are not moving on.  We are realizing more and more that loss of a child is not something you "get over", it stays with you and changes you.  When people ask how we're doing and there is no other answer than "terrible" they don't know what to do.  It makes going to church difficult because all you want to do is talk with your friends but the only thing you don't want to do is talk with your friends.  You want to sing songs to God but all of the songs make you cry.  The songs that don't make you cry you don't really want to sing.  It is a weird place to be.

On top of that my headaches have continued and with them the uncertainty of what is going on.  The fatigue has been getting a little bit better, or at least I am learning to pace myself and so I'm not getting as tired.  But I also only have about a quarter of the workload that I usually have. Not being able to minister at full capacity makes us wonder what God is doing through this and what we will be able to do long-term.  

All in all I would say we feel empty, tired, and sad. We know that God has a plan in all this and that He will lead us through.  We cling to that as it is all we have to cling to.